Your mouth is God's brothel.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
pray to the hookup gods
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
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