is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
