I faked an abortion last night.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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