There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
