All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
