If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Welp...herpes.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
