What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
