you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
