nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
