literally had 100 drinks last night.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
