I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
