We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Less talking, more tequila
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
