Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
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And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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