so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
