The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
