I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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