Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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