Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
