Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
