Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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