he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
