It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
