I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
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