you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
