Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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