it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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