Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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