What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
