After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
