In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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