Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
