you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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