Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
