i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Randomize
