Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
