Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
