he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
