I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
