They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
So squirting runs in the family.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Randomize
