$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
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