are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
