I'd wear matching sweaters with you
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Randomize
