Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Randomize
