the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
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