I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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