Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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