I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
