I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
