I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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