A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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