he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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