I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
