I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
