I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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