i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
she peed on how many people?
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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