She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
The best revenge is premature balding
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
