Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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