so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
