Why does Corona taste like a burp?
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
