Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
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