Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
