i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
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