can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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