im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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