I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
